Bilal Assad – The Bond Between Parents & Children – Winter Conference – Leeds 2024
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the boundaries between parents and children, emphasizing the importance of respecting rights and not mixing up with them. They stress the need for parents to be careful and avoid mixing up their emotions, and to show their feelings and experiences on a personal level. The importance of teaching children to be aware of boundaries and rules in their homes, and the need for parents to show empathy and letting parents take their own risks. The speaker gives advice on staying calm during conflict, breathing exercises, and avoiding retaliation.
AI: Summary ©
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
My voice is a bit low, is that
okay?
Can you hear me well?
Allah, how beautiful and wonderful, this wonderful, wonderful
audience.
Mashallah, I see a lot of young people,
am I right?
Young people, mashallah.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala bless you.
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, alhamdulillah.
Was-salatu was-salamu ala rasulillah.
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
My brothers and sisters, my topic today can
be a little bit sensitive and it might
trigger some people.
The topic is about parents and children and
our relationship together.
And in this talk I'm going to talk
a little bit about the parents and then
about the children, mostly the teenagers.
And we're going to talk about some of
the rights between each other.
And when is it okay to, or what
are the boundaries between us?
What does it mean to obey our parents
and to follow them and to listen to
them?
And what does it mean that the parents
you know, rights towards their children mean and
are there any boundaries?
How do we connect together?
So let's inshallah delve into it.
I've only got 30 minutes.
I hope inshallah we learn something.
My brothers and sisters, when you change the
way you look at something, the thing that
you're looking at changes.
When you change the way you look at
something, the way that something looks changes.
So let us inshallah look at things from
a different angle and you'll see many doors
open up for you inshallah.
Let us begin first of all with what
Allah tells us about our parents and then
I'll talk about what Allah tells us about
our children.
I think you'll like it.
Allah says in the Quran the famous verse
which all of us know.
Quran Quran Quran Quran Quran Quran
Quran
Quran Quran Allah
says in Surah Al-Isra, Surah number 17
verse 23.
Your lord has decreed, do not worship any
but him.
Be good to your parents and should both
or any of them attain old age with
you.
Do not stay, do not say to them
even the word of neither speak to them
rudely but speak to them with respect and
be humble and tender towards them and say
Lord show mercy to them as they nurtured
me when I was a small child.
So the first thing we understand my brothers
and sisters is to remember why Allah has
put so much emphasis on the niceness and
kindness and respect to our parents.
I think you already saw in this verse
what it means.
Oh Allah give them mercy as they raised
me when I was a little child.
When you were a baby and your mother
carried you for nine months, the pain and
the agony that she went through, agony upon
agony is one for your life.
The second one is when she went into
labor, agony upon agony and pain twice and
then she had to breastfeed you and heal
from her labor and some mothers would have
breastfed their children for two whole years.
Her nourishment and everything about herself, it was
all about you.
When you were a baby that time, you
had no strength, you were only weak and
your parents showed you mercy and they would
rather give their life for you instead of
their own.
And your father was there for you to
make sure that you are protected and secure
until you grew so that you can become
slightly independent.
Then as a child you were still dependent
on your children, on your parents until you
became a teenager and then suddenly the strength
comes in, your mind comes in, your independence
comes in and now you want to be
your own person.
But with that comes the respect and the
kindness to our parents until our death.
Their right is so much that even after
their death, after their death, we still owe
them five rights.
Number one, to make dua for them.
Number two, to ask Allah to forgive them.
Number three, to connect the family ties that
are connected because of them like your uncles,
your aunts.
Number four, to carry out the bequest.
If they left the bequest behind to do
something, you carry out what we call their
bequest.
And fifth is to be considerate to the
friends that they used to have.
These are the general rights.
And at the same time, brothers and sisters,
I don't want you to mix up between
obeying your parents in everything and allowing the
right of your parents to control everything in
your life and between being kind, respectful and
dutiful to them.
Allah subhana wa ta'ala He mentions be
kind and respectful to them and serve them
and be there for them for all their
needs.
But of course Allah subhana wa ta'ala,
He put boundaries to that too.
You have your rights and they have their
rights.
It is a big test to raise children
and it is a huge test to also
look after your parents.
Parents are a test for their children and
children are a test for their parents.
My dear brothers and sisters, Allah subhana wa
ta'ala then tells us in another verse,
Allah subhana wa ta'ala Surah
number 31 verse 14, Allah says, to
me is your ultimate return.
But if they press you and pressure you
and try to force you to associate partners
with Allah, then do not obey them and
yet treat them well in this world and
follow the way of him to turn to
me in devotion.
Eventually it is to me that all of
you shall return and I shall then tell
you all that you did.
Some young people say to me, my parents
mistreat me do I continue to show them
that kindness?
They don't deserve it.
Some young people say it not knowing what
they're saying really.
They're saying they don't deserve it maybe from
their perspective.
So for example some young people might say
well if my parents go along this way
that means I'm happy with them.
But if they don't go along that way,
for example you want something and it doesn't
go your way, then suddenly we might think
that our parents are bad to us.
So please be careful and analyze and think
are they really being bad to you or
are you just being a person who is
thinking more about your needs and forgetting their
needs.
Number two, there are parents who are truly
oppressive and they are horrible to their children.
They exist and we hear about them night
and day.
Some of them use this verse like a
guillotine and a sword on their children.
As if to say that I own you
and everything about you and I get to
control everything about you.
Some of them use dua and say if
you don't do this or if that happens
and I'm not happy with you I beseech
Allah to be angry with you till the
end of time.
Some of them use that as a weapon.
And some of them do go further into
even more horrendous situations.
But they are my dear brothers and sisters
the exceptions.
The normal norm of parents is that Allah
tells us even if you disagree with them
even if they tell you to do something
that's harsh and hard, even if sometimes you
don't have to obey them here's the thing,
you always have to be respectful to them.
Like no matter what.
Some say well they're not respectful to me.
I say your parents have a special place.
Even if they are disrespectful to their own
children you don't do the same.
You need to break that cycle.
And not be that same person.
Because one day when you have children and
they watch you the way that you treat
your parents, they're going to treat you the
same way you treated their grandparents.
Mark my words.
You need to break that cycle and know
that Allah has given both your parents and
you a guidance and a path.
And look at this verse what it's saying
Allah is saying to you, all of you
are going to return to me.
And Allah is saying I am going to
question both your parents and I'm going to
question the children.
Each one.
Did you fulfill the duty and did you
look after the trust which I gave you?
Oh parents, did you look after those children
that I gave you temporarily they're mine.
Allah is saying they're mine.
You don't own them.
I gave them to you as a trust.
As a gift.
And I gave you authority over them to
a certain degree.
For a purpose.
To raise them to look after them.
To teach them.
To educate them.
To teach them about Allah.
To leave a beautiful generation behind.
And if you do so I will make
them an intercessor for you on the day
of judgment and because of them you will
enter paradise.
Or did you not fulfill that trust?
Did you break it?
Did you make did you abuse your rights?
Did you use the verses of the Quran?
Same with the children.
How did you treat your parents?
Allah is going to say I made them
get weaker and older and you saw that
before your eyes.
They got sick.
They got older.
They got feeble.
You got stronger.
You became more independent.
And what did you do with that strength?
Did you abuse it?
Did you mistreat them?
Or did you fulfill how I commanded you?
Don't you think brothers and sisters that Allah
doesn't know that there are families who go
through struggles and that there are harsh parents
and harsh children and all of that.
Yet Allah still says to you In this
verse here it's talking about disbelieving parents.
And not only disbelieving parents.
It's talking about Kafir parents who are forcing
their children to worship idols.
Forcing their children to swear at God.
To swear at the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam.
To disbelieve in the Quran.
To talk harshly about Islam.
These are the types of parents Allah is
talking about.
This is abuse.
Yet Allah is saying just don't listen to
them.
Don't obey them.
Don't go down that road.
But the way you oppose them, you need
to find a way to oppose them without
crossing your boundaries.
Oppose them respectfully.
You know brothers and sisters something that I
find among, because I've been a teacher for
a while and I find among teenagers, my
students, something that we need to teach more
often.
And I hope inshallah some of you here
can do courses like that or among you
who are teachers to teach communication skills.
Communication, management and organizational skills.
To be able to look past just myself
and to put myself in someone else's shoes
and be able to communicate in a way
that I can get to them.
I have this formula.
It's called A-A-T, no, A-A
-T-T A-A-T-T.
And it'll work in anything you do.
Or I'm just going to give you this
for free.
You want to open up a business, you
want to deal with customs you want to
deal with your parents, with your spouse, with
your children.
Always use it this way.
If there's something that someone's complaining about or
opposing you about or showing harshness about it,
number one, listen.
Then number one, acknowledge I understand what you're
going through and I can see that you're
frustrated.
Number two, I call it A-A, I'll
call it A-V.
So validate, validate A-V, validate.
Say, and I can only imagine how hard
it feels.
Mom, dad, I understand and it must be
really hard if I was in your shoes.
Or a parent says it to a child,
say, you know Habibti, I understand, to a
daughter, I understand what you're going through and
it must feel really hard.
Then, talk tell them the advice.
And then when you tell them the advice,
in the end thank them.
Thank them for listening.
And always thank them to give you feedback.
Brothers and sisters, wallahi, Rasul s.a.w.
taught us a way of how to communicate
and you can really reach a person's heart
if you can master that.
Anybody.
There's a book called How to Make Friends
and Influence People.
It teaches you how to win a person's
heart.
And subhanallah, when I read it, written by
a non-Muslim, it kind of agrees with
a lot of the sunnah and seerah of
the Prophet s.a.w. The way the
Prophet peace be upon him, used to approach
people.
So there is a way to oppose people
by still respecting them.
My brothers and sisters I've heard young people
say if my dad spends on me, it's
his duty.
My mom spends on me, it's her duty.
Okay, what do you mean it's their duty?
It means they brought me into this world,
they gotta feed me, I owe them nothing.
I didn't ask them to bring me into
this world.
Subhanallah.
They forget that it is Allah who brought
him into this world.
They forget that it is not up to
us who's going to be born and who's
not.
Some of us, we can't even have children.
And they forget that they're going to be
questioned by Allah and this is a test
for them.
Your parents are a test.
And they forget that one day they're going
to get married, they're not going to have
kids inshallah, and their kids are going to
do the same to them.
And they forget that their misery and their
sadness and their issues in life is because
they're distant from their parents and it's very
selfish.
What do you mean it's your duty?
So a parent, yes it's their duty, but
who's going to stop them if they don't
spend on you?
They listen to Allah.
The fact that they are obeying Allah, the
fact that they are doing it out of
love, the fact that they acknowledge that you
are their child, that requires a reciprocation.
They also have rights on us.
So please don't speak to your parents that
way because the circle will happen again to
you.
My brothers and sisters, my advice as well
to parents in dealing with your teenage children,
please understand that they're still learning.
Have mercy on them.
Be compassionate towards them and what I mean
by that is not by giving them everything
they want, no.
Being compassionate to them is the following.
Do these seven things in your life and
make them a habit with your teenage kids,
especially if they pass that and they become
adults forever.
Number one, try to be a listener.
Parents, listen to your child without judgment.
For example, some children, some teenagers, they may
have gone up to no good and suddenly
you'll find that they lock themselves up in
their room.
One minute they've been out talking to family
and the next minute they just change.
They isolate themselves, they go into the room,
they close the door and suddenly you think
something's going on, right?
A parent has to understand that they are
now going into the world and they're starting
to become adults themselves.
So obviously they're going to fall into some
problems but if they're not able to come
to you as a parent, then you've got
to re-evaluate how your relationship is with
them.
The most successful parents I have come across
in my life are the ones who their
children can come to talk to them about
any problem.
So once they do that, tell them, look
son, daughter, I'm here to listen and wallahi
I will not judge you.
Now parents might, some of them might get
an anxiety attack and say, oh my god,
I don't know what's going on and if
they tell me they're going to lose the
plot, I say to you, listen, it is
better for them to tell you about the
problem now before it advances and gets even
bigger later on when it's not going to
be able to be dealt with.
Let them talk to you now.
Some, there's a parent of mine who gave
me this idea, a parent that I spoke
to, he says he's got a daughter who's
about 11, 12 years old and whenever he,
he agreed with his daughter saying, listen, if
there's anything sensitive we're going to talk about,
we need a word between us.
And then she goes, what's the word?
He goes, let's say for example, balloon.
Balloon means we're in this vacuum and we're
protected.
So that means we can talk about anything
without any judgement.
And that worked tremendously because that child now
grew up to know that there is a
safety net, that they can talk to their
parent without being judged and so they can
work on solutions inshallah.
Number two, show your teenager's interest and your
adult children, especially as they're growing up, maybe
9, 10, 11 years old show them how
you are also interested in their hobbies.
Don't belittle their hobbies.
They're allowed to have games and hobbies and
share it even if you don't enjoy it.
Number three, talk about their feelings and your
feelings.
Parents can talk about their vulnerabilities and talk
about on a deeper level rather than just
rules, instructions, consequences, school and when they come
home, it's another school.
Homes these days are two types.
They're either totally neglectful or totally military.
Another school.
They come back home, another school.
Or they go to school, come back and
it's neglectful.
On their iPads, on their audio-visuals, all
night no care.
You've got to strike a balance.
So what happens here is talk on a
personal level.
Walk together and talk on personal levels.
And be vulnerable a little bit, oh parents.
And you watch your children and start opening
up, Inshallah.
Number four, acknowledge, validate, tell and then thank.
Acknowledge your children's feelings.
Validate them.
Start like this, say, I see that this
is upsetting you.
Number two, I can understand how it's hurting
you.
The pain is, you know, if I was
in your place, I'd feel the same way.
And you know, say, look, I understand, you
know, Baba, I understand.
And then number three, talk.
Say, can I say a few words?
I'd like to say, talk.
This is on a deep level.
Wallahi, if you have this on a weekly
basis, Inshallah, or whenever a problem happens, then
Subhanallah, your relationship with your children will only
increase and they'll become better human beings, better
Muslims, Inshallah.
Number five, give them some space as they
get older.
You know, you don't have to always hone
into them, walking onto their room.
Give them their privacy.
They have a right to their privacy.
Don't go to their phones without their permission,
for example, unless you have a really serious
concern, something that really is there.
That's a different story in order to protect
your children.
But other than that, let them feel that
they are, you know, I'll tell you something.
My brother and I, when we were about
18, 19 years old, I found out a
hack with my dad.
My dad had this curfew on us.
He said, you have to come home at
8.30pm. Now, that's pretty bad because when
you're out with your mates and it's 8
.30pm and then you go, I've got to
go home.
You're 18, 19 year old and your mates
are looking and thinking, are you alright mate?
You're still a baby?
And then, you know, it was quite, sometimes
very hard.
So my brother and I would sort of
stay a little bit longer and then the
phone call, we didn't have mobiles at that
time but that's why.
We got away with it and then the
phone calls would go to like different parents'
houses.
And then when we got home, my brother
and I would come in through the window
and we'd try and tiptoe and then every
time I remember, you know, one time came
at night and I said, you go this
way, I'll go that way.
And then in the darkness of the dark,
I hear my dad's voice.
Where were you?
And then we'd just freeze and then we'd
start blaming each other.
But my father was very good with us.
He started explaining, look, it's okay, just keep
connecting because I fear for you, you know,
as you're going out, I need to feel
that you're responsible.
So I found a hack.
Every time I'd go out, I'd find a
phone, I'd call my parents and I'd say,
I'm here, I'm with these friends, we're just
having a good time, inshallah we'll come back
at this time.
And I would stick to it exactly.
Now my brother didn't do the same thing,
right?
So then as time went on, my father
started to trust me outside because I'm the
person who will keep them sort of, you
know, knowing where we are.
And then every time I went out or
my brother wanted to go out, my dad
would say, you go out with your brother,
you're not allowed to go out unless you're
with your brother.
So the idea is that you need to,
as you get older, you got to show
your parents that they can let go a
little bit as well.
And that they can trust you.
So at the same time, parents, you let
go a little bit and let them try
the world by themselves.
Agree together with rules in the house.
And number seven, teach them what the boundaries
are under your roof.
I have a mother who once told me
that her son's taking drugs.
And every time she comes into the house,
he brings in the drugs, he's got siblings.
And I said to her, okay, what are
you doing about it?
She goes, I don't know what to do.
You know, the other day the dad wants
to call the police.
I said, alright, have you tried this?
Have you tried that?
Have you tried speaking to organizations?
Have you tried speaking to friends?
Have you tried to place the rules?
She says, we've done all of that.
And now the son's doing it openly.
I said, alright.
In the end, after everything, I said, call
the police.
I said, but I can't put my son
into this.
I said, if you don't do that, your
son is going to either lose his life
or he's going to get his siblings onto
these drugs or something worse is going to
happen.
So she did that.
He ended up in prison for a little
while, after a long time.
He came out, they gave him rehab.
We attached him to Muslim brothers in an
organization.
Alhamdulillah.
And after all that help, got married.
And he settled his life, Alhamdulillah.
Sometimes parents do have to take strict measures
under their roof and boundaries.
My brothers and sisters I've only got a
bit more time, so I want to talk
now about what does it mean to obey
your parents?
And do you have to obey them in
everything?
Islam is a religion of balance.
It does not tell you to be a
robot.
It does not tell you that you have
no rights.
So here we go.
When are you not obliged to obey your
parents?
And parents should know this and children.
Number one.
This is unanimous agreement among the scholars.
Number one.
When they tell you to do something that
is a sin.
They tell you to, for example you know,
let's say you're driving and they say, actually
that's harm.
A sin.
They say to you, for example, you're not
allowed to wear the hijab.
Don't wear the hijab.
You don't obey them in that.
They tell you don't pray.
You don't obey them in that.
They tell you, for example, you know that
cousin of yours, we don't talk to them.
Because we don't talk to them, you're not
allowed to talk to them.
No, you don't have to obey them in
that.
But you remain being dutiful and respectful to
your parents but you still don't obey them.
Can you do that?
Can you disobey your parents while still being
respectful to them?
Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
I know a brother, he takes it like
a sportsmanship style.
What do I mean by sportsmanship style?
Whenever his mom or dad get upset, he
gets up he hugs them, he smiles, he
goes, Walla, I love you so much.
I'm not going to listen to that but
I love you mom and dad.
And you know what, I'm going to do
this.
The way he approaches his parents, always with
a smile, with this pampering, with his beautiful
words, and if they do get really upset,
he does sit down and he says, look
I know you're upset mom and dad, but
Walla, I love you so much, I can't
obey you this way because Allah told me
I have to see my cousin.
But, but, but, but, then he comes back,
gets him gifts, and he just does not
let them, they can't get upset with him.
There's a way to approach, and if you
can master that, Wallahi, it works, Inshallah.
Number two, you don't have to obey your
parents if what they're asking you to do
has no benefit to themselves at all.
So there's no personal benefit to them personally.
They're just telling you either out of their
own whims or their desires, or sometimes it
can become control.
Or just because they want to give you
their opinion.
So it could be in a good way
as well.
Son, daughter, for example, don't do, don't go
into that course.
I don't want you to do an engineering
course, you've got to do a medicine course.
You're not allowed to do a trades skill,
you have to go and do, for example,
accounting, right?
Or they come up to you and say,
okay, well, you're not allowed to marry this
person, you must marry that person.
Over my dead body, it has to be
that person, both for daughters and sons.
You are not obliged to obey your parents
in doing the things which they are telling
you to do, which they personally don't have
a benefit to it, and it involves only
you.
Now with marrying someone, or doing something else,
if there is harm that will come upon
your family or your parents, then you should
listen to them.
For example, if you're going to marry someone
who's going to cause harm to your parents,
such as in certain cultures overseas, maybe not
as much here, but certain cultures overseas, marrying
a certain person will bring a, what can
I say, a disgust or shame on the
parents.
For example, somebody's done terrible things and you
want to marry that person and your parents
are going to be affected, your family's going
to be affected, then they have a right
to tell you, don't marry them because of
this.
But other than that, they're not allowed to
force you to marry someone whom you do
not want to marry.
This is haram and it's a major sin
to force them to do that.
Number three, you don't have to obey your
parents if it's going to harm you, if
it's going to be dangerous or harmful to
you.
For example, you're driving and your father's with
you and then he says to you, just
cross the red light.
Drive at 140 k's, for example.
And you know this is dangerous or you're
probably going to get a ticket, you're probably
going to get the police after you, for
example.
Or they tell you, for example, to something
that's going to harm you, your money.
They say to you you must take out
of your money and give it to your
siblings or to your cousin and so on.
And as a result, you're going to be
in hardship, financial hardship.
You're not going to be able to pay
bills, for example.
You're not going to be able to pay
for your courses.
If you're going to be harmed financially, you
don't have to obey your parents in doing
that.
Another way that it's harmful is when a
parent asks their married son or daughter to
go and sort of oblige the spouse, for
example, obliges the son's wife to spend on
her in-laws.
That's going to be, that's not right.
That's taking away the rights of other people.
Or they oblige the daughter that if you
marry this person, this person has to also
spend on your parents.
These are examples where in Islam it is
actually forbidden even from the parents to do
so because this is taking away the rights
of other people whom Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala had given.
Which brings me to the topic of money
and property.
Someone asked me the question, must you spend
on your parents?
The answer to that is number one.
If they are in financial need and their
money is not enough for their basic livelihood,
then yes, you must spend on them enough
for their livelihood.
But this is only upon the son, the
boys, not the girls, not the daughters.
If the daughters do spend, it is out
of their own goodwill, it is considered a
sadaqah.
Number two, if the parents are not in
need of financial help, then no, you are
not obliged to spend on them.
For example, one father said to his son,
got his children and said, every month you
have to give me an allowance.
Even though the father had his own income,
he had his own properties, he's got money,
and then you get these children and says,
you've got to give me an allowance.
Islamically, it is not an obligation to do
so.
If you have enough, give your father, give
your mother out of goodness, out of love,
out of compassion, but to force them and
to make it a thing in Islam where
you are in sin if you don't do
that, that is not true.
But of course, brothers and sisters, we don't
do it out of harshness, we do it
out of love and no matter how much
you can help your parents, you help them.
But what I'm talking about is that parents
using these laws to make it like as
if we're right on their neck, you know,
as if it's like, it's as if I'm
putting my child in a position of proving
his loyalty to me.
Let me see your loyalty, will you give
me this much every month?
That's not right.
There is a hadith which some people have
mentioned to me, they say, didn't the Prophet,
peace be upon him, say, you and your
wealth is for your father?
There is a long hadith about that.
The hadith is authentic, however, this is where
fiqh, jurisprudence comes in, try to understand what
the Prophet, peace be upon him, is saying.
The meaning of this hadith is you and
your wealth is for your father, meaning this
was in relation to a man who said,
Ya Rasulullah, my father, he wants to take
my money, he wants to use it.
He said, you and your money is for
your father, meaning your father is allowed to
use your money if he is in need
of it.
Where did I get this?
From another hadith.
You see, Islam explains itself from different angles,
you can't just take one hadith and go
with it.
You've got to take other areas and other
ayat.
Aisha Radilana narrates another hadith, which is in
Ibn Habban, that the Prophet, peace be upon
him, said, if the parents are in need
of financial help, they are allowed to take
from their son's money.
And if they don't have a son, from
their daughter's money.
Their needs.
For example, a father needs to pay a
bill.
He doesn't have any money to pay the
bill for his electricity.
He needs food.
Your mother needs food.
They haven't got enough.
What do you do?
They're allowed to take from that money.
Otherwise, it's not literal.
Your parents don't literally own you and your
wealth.
Otherwise, they will inherit everything.
As soon as you die, we can say,
well, if your father's still alive, he'll take
all of your inheritance.
But that's not true.
Because in the Quran, inheritance has to be
divided.
The mother gets a share.
The wife gets a share.
The children get a share.
The grandparents get a share.
Had this hadith meant that our fathers own
us and our wealth, they will inherit everything.
But Allah did not make it that way.
And of course, this is what it means,
inshallah.
Can...
So, I finish with this and then conclude,
inshallah.
A father or a mother can request money
from their children and their children must give
them.
Otherwise, they are in major sin on four
conditions.
If these four conditions are met, then you're
obliged to help your parents.
Number one, if it's not going to cause
harm on the child, then that's the first
condition.
A parent can request money.
Number two, the son does not need it
for his livelihood.
So, for example, a father can't come along
and say, that car that you have to
go to work in, you can't drive it
anymore.
You can go take the bus, or you
can walk to work.
I'm going to keep driving it.
You're not allowed to do that.
So, if it's not going to cause, it's
not the livelihood of a child.
Number three, if they say to you, I
want your money to give it to your
siblings.
No.
This will cause enmity and hatred between the
siblings.
So, a parent cannot force the child to
say, give me your money to give it
to your siblings.
Unless one of your siblings is truly in
need, they've got a surgery, they've got a
heart problem, they haven't got enough money, then
they can come up to you and you
will, and if you have surplus wealth to
help your sibling, then you must obey your
parents.
Number four, the parent is in need of
it for his or her livelihood.
So, these are the four conditions where we
must obey our parents if these four conditions
are met, inshallah ta'ala.
Imam Malik said that one man came to
him and he was married and he said,
Ya Imam, my mother, she watches me.
Every time I have an income and every
time I get a gift, I have a
wife, I have children, she says to me,
you must go and give your sister a
share first, before you give your wife, before
you give your children, before you give anybody.
Every time she does this to me, Imam,
and I don't want to disobey my mother
and get the wrath of Allah.
Imam Malik said to him, be kind and
sensitive to your mother's feelings, at the same
time, you are not obliged to obey her.
Because the Prophet, peace be upon him, said
that your wife and your children are the
first in line of financial provision.
Why?
Because the wife has no one else but
her husband.
In Islam, the husband has to provide his
wife.
Number two, the children don't have anyone but
their mum and dad.
As for the parents, yes, they have the
son, but they may have other children, and
they also may have their spouse, and they
have other people in shallow can help them.
So, the children, it's a balance.
Everybody has their right, but at the same
time, brothers and sisters, let me tell you
something.
Let me tell you something, let me tell
you something.
Brothers and sisters, your parents, no matter what
happens, even if they are harsh, even if
they are, you know, the way they talk
to you or degrade you or anything like
that, I want you to remember this.
Number one, make dua for them.
Say, O Allah, in your prayer, guide them
and forgive them.
If Allah guides them and forgives them, you
will have a better life.
So, ask Allah to guide them the way
Ibrahim, peace be upon him, said, O Allah,
guide my father.
Number two, if parents, your children are going
astray, make dua for them.
For Nuh, peace be upon him, did not
give up on his son even when he
became a disbeliever.
He was on the ark and he kept
on telling him, come on board the ark,
my son, until the waves came and took
his son away.
Don't give up on your children no matter
what.
Number three, brothers and sisters, if you are
experiencing a very tough time with your parents
or with your children, number two, the idea
is try your best to stay calm in
the time of conflict.
Do some breathing exercises, walk away, get yourself
used to it, because if you argue back
and back and forth, it's not going to
work.
Number two, accept the situation.
Say to yourself, look, I can't change my
parents.
Or if your child is like that, at
the end you can say, I can't change
my child.
But work with what you can work with
them.
Avoid the harm, work with them in the
way that you connect.
Number three, don't retaliate, as I said to
you before.
Number four, look for your future as a
hope.
Alhamdulillah, you got your whole life ahead of
you.
And Allah SWT is going to, you know,
let you move on.
Number five, make dua, as I said.
Number six, talk to someone that you trust.
Don't just isolate yourself.
Some people, they say, I'm either, you know,
they talk about cutting off.
They say, I'm going to abandon my parents.
I'm going to abandon my children.
I'm going to abandon my relatives.
Habibi, you don't have to abandon everything.
Keep a little string of hair between you
and that person.
Don't cut them off completely because then you
never know what Allah SWT will change.
And number seven, look after yourself.
You know, distract yourself and make yourself busy
with your other hobbies, looking after your health.
Allah SWT always puts us through tests and
sometimes through hardships so that we may learn
from them or grow from them or because
Allah is going to direct us in the
right place or Allah SWT has a plan
for us.
My brothers and sisters, in this life, there
is no eternal rest and happiness.
Sometimes happiness, sometimes sadness, sometimes hard times, sometimes
easy times.
My brothers and sisters, this world is a
test and until we realize that it is
a test, then we're not going to be
able to live a life with peace in
our hearts.
And I finish with this beautiful story of
an imam who I used to follow when
I was a child.
He passed away.
I'll say his name.
You won't know his name.
He's from Kuwait, which I grew up as
a child listening to him.
He had a father who was, I think
he described him as more of a communist.
And he didn't really believe in God except,
you know, very, I don't know, some weird
belief.
And his father became debilitated.
So he became so debilitated that he had
to stay in his bed and if he
has to go to the toilet, he has
to do it in his bed.
So this child, sheikh, he became religious and
became an imam.
And the father was extremely harsh to him.
He used to swear at him, degrade him,
talk badly about him.
He would swear at his religion.
He would swear at his, you know, every
time he read the Quran, he would put
him down in every way, shape or form.
He said, father, please don't say that.
But his father wouldn't listen.
So what did the sheikh do?
He said, I continued my journey that Allah
is pleased with me.
And I did my duty as a son
for my father.
And if I was harmed, I would just
avoid the harm as much as I can.
He said, I made a hole under his
bed and we used to have a bucket
in there where he used to, you know,
relieve himself because his bowels weren't working.
He didn't have control over them.
He said, one day, the bucket, I was
cleaning it and, you know, it was somewhere
and then my father was, needed to relieve
himself.
He said, so then I put my hands
under it, under him.
And everything inside him came into my hands.
And I didn't complain.
I took it and I washed my hands.
And my father, for the first time, looked
at me and he got teary.
He said, son, I've been degrading you, putting
you down all your life.
And you would do this?
Why?
Why would you do that?
And he said, it is Islam, my dad.
I only want to please Allah, dad.
I want to enter paradise, father.
And you are the way that Allah has
given me as a test through it.
Because of that, his father repented and he
died a believer, knowing what Islam teaches you.
Now, this is a story that is personal
to me, but I want to share it
with you to tell you brothers and sisters,
please don't give up because you're going through
certain hardships.
I gave you a few ways to deal
with it, inshallah, and there is always light
at the end of the tunnel.
Seek support, seek help.
If it's too much for you, you can
distance yourself, but don't go all the way
because wallahi, it's miserable when a person feels
that they're just alone in this world with
no relatives, no cousins, no family.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ease
the pain and struggles of any of you
here and around the world who is going
through any kind of problems like this in
the family because the family is the most
important element of our life and it is
the most important, it's the most hurtful place
for ourselves, so I ask Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala to ease your struggles and ours
and to ease the struggles of our brothers
and sisters around the world.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala lift the
atrocities of our brothers and sisters in Gaza,
Palestine, and everywhere around the world.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help our
brothers and sisters in the Myanmar who are
still going through persecution at the moment.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala assist and
support and raise the ranks and the peace
of our brothers and sisters of Syria.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you
all.
Thank you.